Vulnerability

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

~  Madeleine L'Engle 

Being vulnerable is an interesting thing. Some of us try to avoid it at all costs. Others are OK living in that space of uncertainty and fear. Some of us even thrive in that space. I think especially of actors and actresses who deal with vulnerability on a daily basis. Some of the world's best thespians really know how to channel emotions and bring out amazing performances while making themselves vulnerable.

This past Sunday, I experienced vulnerability in a new way. Well, maybe not a new way, but in a way that I have not experienced for a while. It was eye-opening and so I thought I would share the experience.

Having been a part of my church's worship team for the past 11 years, I have had experiences with vulnerability in the past. Anytime you get up on a stage to lead others in what many consider an intimate experience, there are feelings of anxiety, nervousness and vulnerability. Corporate worship is an experience that sits in this odd little pocket. Each of us comes before God in our own ways. Many of us prefer the quiet and solitude to intimately connect with God in some way. But, there is something about each of us coming together as one body to praise and honor God that really excites me and makes me feel connected.

On this particular Sunday, I was unsure of how I would contribute to the team leadership. I was part of the vocal team scheduled for the morning service, but I had been sick for the previous 4 weeks. Sinus congestion and limited lung capacity were still my enemies on this morning and I wondered if I was going to be able to sing at all. Last year, while taking voice lessons with my friend Brendan, I learned that sometimes it is good for us to sing when we are in this condition. Being limited physically forces us to pay attention to details we might normally gloss over. Limited lung capacity forces a singer to pay closer attention to breath control. Limited vocal range forces a singer to choose alternate harmonies to fit with other voices. It also forces the singer to choose when to sing and when not to sing.

In fact, our fearless leader (Lisa) even encouraged me and pointed out that she liked how I was making good choices to sing out or hold back on certain parts of the songs. Although appreciative of the encouragement, I was flippant in my response to Lisa and noted that I sounded bad that morning and that is why I was not singing. But, as I thought more about it, I realized that what Brendan had told me in our earlier voice lessons was coming to fruition. I was learning something about myself. In my vulnerability, I was being forced to choose when to sing and when not to sing. Subconsciously, the emotional chord that was struck at that moment hit me like a ton of bricks. That, combined with what we were singing during rehearsals, opened up my emotions and I could not continue singing. It was a brief moment, but it was a moment that truly illuminated some things for me. In my vulnerability and exposure, I had learned something about myself.

On the whole, I would say that vulnerability is not something that I choose to experience regularly. I like being in comfortable and familiar situations. Experiencing something new can sometimes be a stretch for me. This particular experience was a profound one. I learned that it is OK to be vulnerable and that it is even a good thing to be broken down in front of others. For it is in those moments that we can be most alive, learning about ourselves and about living full lives in community with others.